About the Author :
- About the Author: Arundhati Chaudhuri
- Hey!! This is Philoanna a.k.a Arundhati Chaudhuri.. This is my blog spot, so i wouldn't really want to describe myself here, because I would like my work to speak for myself. I hope you enjoy reading my blog posts and don't forget to drop a comment after you finish reading my works, because I would love to have your criticism, and aim for your appreciation. Also, share your ideas and perspectives with me on the topics I've written on if you'd like to =) Happy Reading! " How fortunate are you and I whose home is timelessness: we who have wandered down fragrant mountains of eternal now; to frolic in such mysteries as birth and death a day ( or maybe even less )" - e.e cummings
Friday, October 9, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
What is toluene?
Toluene is a colorless liquid with a distinctive sweet and pungent smell. It occurs naturally in crude oil and in the tolu tree. You can smell toluene at 8 parts of toluene per million parts of air (ppm) and taste it in water at 0.04 ppm to 1 ppm.
Toluene is produced during the process of making gasoline and other fuels from crude oil, in making coke from coal, and as a by-product in the manufacture of styrene.
It is also used in making paints, paint thinners, fingernail polish, lacquers, adhesives, and rubber and in some printing and leather tanning processes.
What happens to toluene when it enters the environment?
- Toluene has been found in waste sites and landfills when discarded as used solvent or in paints, paint thinners, and nail polish.
- It does not stay in the environment long.
- It is readily broken down by microorganisms in the soil.
- It evaporates quickly from the soil and surface water into the air.
- Toluene in the air combines with oxygen to form benzaldehyde and cresol, which can be harmful to people.
- Toluene can be taken up by fish, shellfish, plants, and animals living in water, but high levels do not build up.
How might I be exposed to toluene?
- People may be exposed through breathing toluene in workplace air or in automobile exhaust.
- Sniffing glue or using solvents improperly could lead to high exposures.
- Breathing contaminated air or touching it when working with gasoline, kerosene, heating oil, paints, and lacquers puts people at the greatest risk of exposure to toluene in air and on the skin.
- High exposures can occur at home and outdoors while using gasoline, nail polish, rubber cement, paints, paintbrush cleaners, stain removers, fabric dyes, inks, and adhesives.
- Drinking contaminated water or breathing air near waste sites and landfills could lead to higher exposures.
- The amount of toluene in food is likely to be low.
- People are also exposed to toluene by breathing cigarette smoke that has small amounts of toluene in it.
How can toluene affect my health?
The most immediate symptoms of toluene overexposure are dizziness, light-headedness and a sense of euphoria similar to being drunk. (The doctors call these symptoms "central nervous system depression.") If high levels of exposure continue, an exposed person will have other symptoms of being drunk, like problems with speech, vision and balance, followed eventually by sleepiness, coma and even occasionally death. High levels of toluene also irritate the nose, throat and lower respiratory system.
Inhaling toluene can also disrupt the normal rhythm of the heart, occasionally causing heart failure and death. This happens with some regularity to teenagers and others who sniff glue to get a "high." Sometimes this happens when glue sniffing takes place soon after strenuous physical activity. Often it strikes for no apparent reason. People who know they have heart disease or a heart arrhythmia should avoid unnecessary toluene exposure whenever possible.
Inhaling a high level of toluene in a short time can make you feel light-headed, dizzy, or sleepy. It can cause unconsciousness, and even death.
Repeated exposure to high levels can cause permanent brain and speech damage, vision and hearing problems, loss of muscle control, and poor balance. It can also cause memory loss and decreased mental ability.
Toluene also affects the kidneys.
Several studies have shown that unborn animals were harmed when high levels of toluene were breathed by their mothers. Babies can have neurologic problems and retarded growth and development if their mothers breathe a high level of toluene during pregnancy. We do not know if toluene harms the unborn child if the mother is exposed to low levels of toluene during pregnancy.
How likely is toluene to cause cancer?
The Department of Health and Human Services and the International Agency for Research on Cancer have not classified toluene for carcinogenic effects. Studies in workers and animals indicate that toluene does not cause cancer.
Is there a medical test to show whether I've been exposed to toluene?
Laboratory tests can detect toluene or its breakdown products in exhaled air, blood, or urine. These tests are only useful within 12 hours of exposure and do not tell if harmful effects will occur. These tests are not routinely available at your doctor's office. "
Toluene addiction is one of the most common forms of solvent abuse in India. Why? Because its the cheapest way to get a "high"! The momentary feelings of euphoria and hallucination is amazing, but the severe neurological aftereffects of chronic abuse is deadly. Beware!
Thursday, July 2, 2009
When you fall in love with somebody in your workplace, a nightclub or anywhere else, your brain experiences a new set of biochemical reactions. These biochemical reactions are triggered by the release of three different neurotransmitters in your brain: dopamine, noradrenalin and phenyl ethylamine. The simultaneous rush of these chemicals into specific parts of your brain makes you feel what is call "falling in love." Do not get offended or insulted by knowing how your brain functions. I don't think you get offended by knowing how your digestive system works.So prepare yourself for discovering that love comes out of your brain; not your heart.
There is a biochemical explanation for such galavantation of falling in love. A specific chemical in our brains called PEA (phenylethylalamine) is responsible for granting us euphoria when we are newly in love. Unfortunately, the effects of this chemical wear off within 6 months to 3 years. Some optimistic researchers, such as Robert Friar of Ferris State University in Michigan, give PEA a time limit of 3- 5 years. But if you haven’t fostered your new love into a committed relationship by that time, you will more than likely feel the need to scratch that itch of PEA withdrawal by seeking out new sexual conquests. This is very similar to substance addiction.
PEA is a neurotransmitter released in the region of our brains known as the limbic system that speeds up the flow of information between nerve cells. The limbic system controls our basic needs, emotions, and desires such as hunger, thirst, sleep, joy, sadness, and sex. It is the most primal and animalistic part of our psyche. When that part of our brain kicks in, it is usually futile to disregard its directions. There’s no doubt that there are a whole series of biochemical pathways that are triggered when two people meet and are attracted to each other."
We are all familiar with the rush of falling head over heels in love. It’s intoxicating. And when PEA levels are high, adrenaline is pumping overtime and love is blind. Some people are more sensitive to PEA than others, however, and some people seem to be deficient in the hormone. This leads to bleeding hearts and Cassanovas. When people are too sensitive to PEA or their levels are too high, they can become infatuated at the drop of a hat and suffer psychiatric disorders (certainly not depression, though). And if someone lacks sufficient quantities of PEA they feel a near-constant urge to press on to the next seduction. These types of people also seek out risky hobbies such as sky diving and rock climbing; dopamine excercising activities.
Try to nurture your next relationship into "true love". A different set of molecules, known as endorphins, is called into action when we experience true love. Endorphins are our bodies natural pain killers, and they produce feelings of calmness, warmth, intimacy, and dependability. Endorphins, which have the most positive effect among any hormone produced in the brain, work to make our bodies healthier, alsoby enhancing our immune system.Endorphins are even steadier and more addicting than PEA. In fact, the longer two people are in love, the stronger the endorphins become.
According to Mark Goulston, M.D., a professor of psychiatry at the University of California, "Adrenaline-based love is all about ourselves; we like being in love. With endorphins, we like loving." Also, a different kind of reaction comes into account when some of us progress to the next step in our relationship and start developing new feelings, but feelings different from the initial love. This different love is a true love, which can last for a lifetime, thanks to another chemical called oxytocin or "cuddling hormone."This is the chemical that makes strong bonds between life partners or a mother and her baby.
Knowledge of how love works does not mean love is not worth trying. As Shakespeare once put it, to fall in love and fail is better than not to fall in love at all.
Bibliography: www.wikipedia.com, www.selfgrowth.com, www.fluther.com,www.mwillet.org
Everyday is frantically hectic for me somehow. I am away from home for thirteen hours almost daily, being trained for my mission: " Graduating with Flying Colors". I don't have time to write, blog, make music, paint and spend some lone time anymore. Its pathetic and miserable especially when I see my grades aren't that appreciable either. It's quite average frankly.
My real philosphical or sensible post will be put up soon, when I am not busy to be busy anymore. =P
The pictures below are stuff people who are exteremely jobless and purposeless in their lives would search, laugh over and put up in their blogs. ^^
But life seems to be better this way. There are plenty of things troubling me now, but sometimes you should just surrender to the helplessness of life, knowing that you can't fix it all up and see where life takes you. It will be your turn to get surprised and meet with the unexpected. And then when you blend with life's stained joyouness all around and the abstract surreal beauty of it, you will be thankful for letting yourself loose to meet with such pleasantries.
Anyways, Fuck the crap. Check these cute stuff out ^^
Respect your Sponsors:
What seems to be more painful to look at? The man with his shirt over his head, tummy exposed, kneeling down when he's lost his mind and trying to imitate some other insane personality or how the other supposedly right guy is kneeling down for his sponsors? Quite disturbing actually. These brands , sponsors, production and marketing are taking away all the innocense and correct of undergoing life. We are being played with money, and we are getting paid for it. Money happens to be the core reason of our existence at present.
Friendship is a Gift from God:
How much ever this makes you laugh, it is eviently true that a large percentage of people who are "just friends" engage in sexual activities without having any emotional connection or committment towards one another. People call it "casual sex", and I call it "sexual release". The urge of sex should be restricted and sex should be limited to lovers only. Otherwise, its just plain Fuckin' Cheap and desperate.
Fighting For GAY rights:
I think you're going to be glad because I dont have any serious comments about this one. But seriously, having *gay* as a surname? Lmao !! =))
The Art of Advertising:
It's so amazing how blindly we search for pleasure and companionship in our lives that gives rise to the two most important desires in our lifetime, sex as well as love. It's amusing how these biochemical reactions have its effects on us, and leave us completly numb and uncontrolled. But it's just like the hunger we have for any object or food. Sex is the hunger for pleasure, and love is the hunger for security and companionship, greed is the money
-hunger, while basically, Hunger is our means to continue with this life process.
It amuses myself when I think of how I come up with serious ideologies and questions even when a bunch of plain pictures are in front of my eyes. Guess I cant call them cute anymore. Everything in life has meaning if we are insightful and thoughtful about it.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
** P.S -> Please dont save the picture. It may not be copy righted, but it holds a lot of sentimental value for me. **
When I was at my tuitions, I glanced at you and saw you turn and look away, half-smiling with a blush. I lowered my eyes, and hid my face in the act of picking up something that fell under the bench, while I realized my face turning crimson and burning with embarrassment. I glanced at your direction again, and saw your left hand scribbling hypnotized loops on the notebook, while you still continued to smile relaxed. Your complexion, your crooked smile, the way you look at me keeps me dazed. No, I don’t like you, but I love someone who shares similar traits.
I miss Calcutta really bad. I miss spending my summers there, and never did I imagine myself to turn out to be such a faithful Bengali! I miss those little girls in frilly frocks racing with their bicycles, and the old homely Aunties sitting on the tortoise bench and gossiping with each other, and watching over the children. I miss my girl friends who used to take me along for swimming in the biggest as well as cleanest swimming pool I have ever seen till now. I miss my slightly older girl friends, esp Debi, a complete sweetheart who knew me from every angle even though I hardly spoke about myself to her.
I miss all the boys. I grew up with them, and saw their transformation from their scrawny ugly structures to their muscular, handsome built reflecting confidence and maturity. We used to shift to the Community Hall, as Guddu and Shubho played the guitars, and Jishnu sang his lungs out adapting the newest trends of a performer. Akash replaced Taewoo along with the drums as he went back to Korea, but Taewoo was exceptionally good as a drummer. I used to sit and learn playing instruments from them, criticizing and having the time of my life when I was in their presence. Oh, and we composed parodies for a million songs! =P When Boredom creeped in me, I used to visit the gym and work out and the kids used to follow me again.
Soon, I used to see you coming, chuckling to yourself as you saw me wreck my bones on the Fitness Abs machine. The kids would silently move out like they were instructed to, giving us our space. We would go to the Community Hall because I never wanted to go home till I was satisfied with my drumming, and you would encourage and appreciate me, making me feel like even my worst beats sounds terrifically pleasant to you. Your eyes would meet mine, as you strummed on your guitar and they had the gentle sparkle in them that would draw me closer to you. I always felt that they shone in that manner only for me.
The strong gush and roaring of the wind outside would break my romantic chain of thoughts, and I used to go out screaming with joy, flinging my arms out in the air and doing all sorts of stupid movements that would generally make another person standing with me embarrassed. But you watched me intently, like you were memorizing all of my actions, every minute reaction and I only wished I could hold you in my arms and ask you if we are feeling the same. Loose plastics bags would be flying in the air, Aunties would cry out from their balconies to their children to come home, and we would wait under the flaming red sky impatiently for the drops of rain. The rain would pour down on us, and we would get drenched in the shower of love.
When we were small, we used to play hide and seek. It was my favorite game and we would run hand in hand, and hide in dark corners lying very close to one another, while I felt your moist breath on my face. I wanted and loved you from my childhood days, but I waved the thoughts aside thinking it was an immature crush, which would fade away with time and die. But that did not happen. Every summer I saw you, I realized the bitter truth. I trusted you a lot, but you broke it. But I don't blame you for anything you did even though it hurt me. I think it's because I love you.
You called me up at 2a.m tonight and I would have cancelled it for anyone but you. I can’t ever ignore or avoid you for whatever you do to me. You are perfect for me in too many ways than u can think of. You have your girl and I have my guy, and we tell them that we love them. Even if you're serious about her and love her, it doesn't change a thing for me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being unfaithful, but I have stopped questioning myself due to teh remorseful state I get in when I try to figure things out. I know you will always care for me even if you cant reciprocate my feelings for you to the same intensity, but I can't love anyone else the way I love you for quite sometime. Some relationships don't have a name, and this is definitely one of such.
I miss u very much. I miss your eyes that dug into my soul when you looked at me, your vice that used to increase my heart beat. I miss the silly and serious things we did together, and how it changed nothing for you and me. You still call me at 2 a.m and we talk for hours over the telephone and I know you miss me, and you know clearly how I feel for you. I miss you even more now, because every time I glance to the right to look at him, I see you in him. Every time he smiles at me, I see you with those diamond eyes radiating all the warmth. I have the similar urge of holding his hands and intertwining his fingers with mine, as I had with you. I want to cup his face in my hands and kiss him lightly on his cheek. But I don't like him,
I love you.
Monday, April 20, 2009
its shrill murderous cries,
The deadly is night sky is staring
with cold bloodshot eyes,
I lay on my thorny bed
my veins are freezing,
Beads of sweat on my temple,
I’ll be dying!
The snowy moon appears
making me shiver uncontrollably,
Thoughts are flying out of the
purple slit in my head silently,
The emptiness is consuming me,
Paranoia is gnawing at me,
I see foggy ghosts who’ve come
out of their graves to invite me.
Frustrated of this shadowy world,
and fugitive of this unjust life,
I carved DEATH on my bony wrist
to end this shattering strife,
I bathed in my blood as
my dark veins ruptured,
It glided on my cold numb skin
and in ecstatic pain I flustered.
And now I am here, having
lost everything I once had,
Fame, Respect, Love and Esteem
have deserted me leaving me mad!
Emotions, feelings, ethics have
betrayed this dry impotent soul,
I am living a worthless life with a body
evacuated of everything on the whole.
Ruined my faith and beliefs,
lost my precious nurtured dreams,
Tricked by the mirages of water
I vomited as I drank from the brim.
Falling down as I walked on my way
my fragile limbs tore apart and broke,
But now I have decided to end this turmoil
and in this cherished thought I will soak.
My graves are now opening,
the chilly wind is enticing me,
My heart is beating faster and louder,
desperate cries of Death are haunting me!
The trees are shaking their boughs violently
at the thought of shading my rotten corpse,
I am drained of every droplet of blood,
now, there is no time for regret and remorse,
Am I really dying tonight?
and setting a stop to my everything?
And, am I dying tonight building and
achieving absolutely nothing?!
If I really die tonight, will I
escape this suffocating jail finally?
I know I will die tonight,
but is this how my demise was meant to be?
P.S- Kiran, posted this up for you as you wanted me to post my death poem :P and I hope you like it! =]
Friday, April 17, 2009
The distance is killing me, and every minute is getting harder without you. All I keep thinking about is you.. how I want to be by your side, how I want you to hold me in your arms close to your heart, and how we can walk down the street in the lovely silence holding hands and treasuring the beautiful touch. I want to stare at your deep dark eyes, and brush my hand against the dimple on your cheek, I want to hold you tight and hear your heart beat as I rest my head against your chest.
It’s been so long that I’ve been living in my world of your fantasies, and now I want to make them real. Never did I believe that I would give in myself to the concept of love, and never did I imagine that I could be missing someone so bad. But you shown me parts of myself that I never knew even existed. You’ve appreciated, understood and supported me effortlessly when I was in dire need of someone to stand by me. You’re the best thing that has happened to me, and I promise I would give up anything just to have your presence by my shadow.
Every love song, every romantic movie, every couple making love reminds me of you. I want you, I need you. My day seems to be so dreary and dispirited when I don’t hear your warm voice. Your voice rushes my adrenaline flow, and my heart thumps louder and faster, as the love hormones start gushing out like the magma of a volcano making me fall in deeper love with you with every second. I feel struck with stains of grief when I see couples seeing each other and being around each other, even I though I know that they probably don’t have even a fraction of the love and this precious bond we share.
I want to be with you forever and bring the perfect fairy tale ending to our love story to recite to our children while we rock them to sleep. I want to make breakfast for you every morning and cuddle you every night while we sleep. I don’t care about what I have and what I don’t as long as I have you. But right now, all I dearly want with all my grieving heart is to see you and hold you. I’ve imagined frequently about the state I’ll be in when I see you, and I don’t really know if I’ll be in tears hugging you tightly with no words, or jumping up and down with a smile that escapes the breadth of my face and acting crazy!
But whatever it is, and however it will be; it will be because I love you a lot, so much that even words fail to define its magnitude and weight. Sometimes I want to tell you how much I love you but I can’t seem to. I was never very good at expressing verbally, and I wish I could say how I love you just like you do. Every time you say you love me, your voice cracks a bit and gets deeper and the words strike my heart like heroine shots transporting me to a land filled with happiness and love. You’re not just a part of my life, you’re the best and the biggest part of it. You’re the puzzle block that was fitted into my jigsaw puzzle to complete it.
The whole block is complete, but just a part of it is missing, and I think it always happens this way. If the world had everything, God wouldn’t be so much in power to dominate over us, would He? I think I’ve asked you quite a few times boiling with anger why people who love each other can’t be together when there are so many who aren’t in good terms with another and are still stuck to each other with some super self-magnetic induction. I still question myself the same with tears spilling from my eyes. I can’t sleep, and I turn on the slide show of your pictures.
It’s 2 A.M, so I’ll probably wake you up if I text you. The tips of my fingers are turning icy cold as I gaze intently at your features.. your fingers curling around your sister’s arm, your smile lighting up your lovely face, a part of your chest exposed through the open buttons of your white shirt, and your eyes in which I get lost into whenever I look into them. I can’t look at them anymore because the pictures are just making me miss you more and more, so much so that a few of the keys on my keyboard share small puddles of my salty sorrow. I switch off my computer and the lights, and lie on my bed as I think of my Romeo while I listen to Love Story playing on my mp4.
“ Romeo take me to somewhere we can be alone,
I’ll be waiting, all we have to do is run,
You’ll be the Prince and I’ll be the Princess,
It’s a love story.. Baby just say yes! …"
Sunday, April 12, 2009
I cannot be a liar if I lied only to protect someone, I cannot be selfish if I've loved myself a lil more than the rest,
I cannot be a whore if all I have done is truly trust someone,
I cannot be a loser even if I have lost after trying my best.
I cannot be a joker if I laugh only to make others smile,
I cannot be a psycho if I carve words only because they are unheard,
I cannot be a vagabond if I've walked aimless everyday fr miles,
I cannot be a prisoner of my depression, if I'm mentally and emotionally disturbed.
I cannot be what you want me to be, if you gift me those paper notes,
I cannot give you what you want if you tell me tales of love,
I cannot lose my sight even if you snatch my boat,
I can only be what I really am, because this is the real “Me" !
I cannot do it anymore...But I will... I really will... N then you will know, that despite of all the fucked up things u said and did to me, I never gave up. I strived and I did survive. And I just didn't survive, I achieved everything that I always wanted to, and U just stayed in ur own fucked up mess forever!
I don't care about what makes sense to you anymore till it makes sense to me. I am going to myself.. I'm going to arouse the dead spirit of myself I had buried deep within me when I felt I needed to be something else. But now, all I received from being someone else is misunderstanding, misperceptions and misjudgement.
I am back.. back to what I really was.. back to whatI always wanted to be.. I am ALIVE!
Yes, I am STILL ALIVE!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
But that doesn't mean that I've not done the bad stuff. I've done my share of it and I've given up on all that rubbish because firstly, I had the Determination and courage to after realizing all it does is give me momentary pleasure by transcending me out of reality, but what hits after I'm back into my old miserly and morose world is too tough to handle. Secondly, I did have quite a few angels who supported and advised me throughout, and I'm very thankful to them for all that they have done. =]
I stayed up past midnight last night, because I had my eyeballs stuck on to the television screen showing Pretty Women. Richard Gere is my favorite actor for now, the sparkle in his eyes when he smiles or shrugs his shoulder blinking his eyes tightly is unbelievably cute. If old men were as handsome as he is, I wouldn't have minded dating a man decades elder to me. A few generous men have the courtesy and decency to treat prostitutes with sincere care, unconditional love and respect and a few treat average admirable and respectable girls and women as prostitutes. You're mistaken if I'm talking about sluttish whores, because I'm not. Life is a hypocrite, isn't it?
Everyone loves music! There can't be absolutely anyone to deny it, as music is a beautiful world with notes, waves and beats all by itself. I divulge into this world nearly all the time now, surprisingly even when I'm sleeping because you might find the earphones still plugged to my ears playing music at quite an amplitude. I've wondered before how I managed to fall asleep during insomniac episodes with this doze of music, and now my wonders have shifted to how I manage to sleep 'sound'ly with music booming within my eardrums. I had the levities ambitions of being a singer in my childhood, and now I feel a bit uneasy when I seriously think of pursuing it as a career.
But in that case, I have the dreams of being an author too. I wish money wasn't invented and we still lived following the age old barter system or something. Money has changed the face of the world with competition and pervading corruption, and has snatched away the simple joys of petty things. I have incongruous dreams of going back to those aristocratic times where I'll be wearing one of those swishing frocks and writing leisurely on my wooden desk while the sunlight bathed through my windows in the mornings, playing the piano in the evenings as the huge rooms gurgled with the notes slipping from my frivolous fingers. Maybe my parents should have tried restraining my wild imaginations and irrational thoughts, and they would have had the daughter who is focused, ambitious and a careerist!
The two substantial elements around which my life is centered and discordantly dominated are: "guys" and parents.
1) I believe that it's quite entertaining for people to see me plunging into relationships just after I've kicked myself out from one, but nobody really knows what goes on in my mind throughout the hammering procedures. All I think of while extricating myself from the previous relationship is how not to hurt the other party involved which usually makes the matter more complicated, lengthy, ostentatious and tiresome to proceed with. What I think of while I dive in for another trial is "You're blind if you don’t have sight, But you're a jerk if you close your eyes."
The quenching thirst of finding my soul mate, my love who will love me forever still burns with dissatisfaction while I pervade through deep dark forests of monotony, reckless adventures and unperpetual perplexing happiness. I am also proud to announce that I've finally acquired the skills of denying the dating proposals of friends and people I have to meet in my everyday life with God's mercy and grace.
2) My parents are transformed aliens! They are obsessed with the color yellow and have never tasted burgers, pizzas or hot dogs till now. They have inevitable spying powers and evading mind reading tactics. They cast a spell of controlling my mind and my actions throughout, but I'm learning how to break the spell and I think its working! My mother is a perfectionist and suffers from an OCD of cleanliness of the house for me at least, and my dad is a workaholic. They hardly travel and step out of their house because they start feeling insecure around the human beings! What a shame it is and you thought aliens will take over your mother planet!?
Moreover, what makes them even more peculiar is that their voice turns screechy or growly and exceptionally loud when they are upset or raged, their eyes turn luminescent, and due to a high voltage passing through their limbs they become metabolically over-active. They fling their hands, and sometimes get into fist fights with the opponent or simply move around in circles doing the alien ballet, which I might say is a very ugly and beginner's alien dance form. Oh, and they are impeccably sweet to human beings unless they have upset them, because they try to hide their identities and keep away from intrusions as much as possible. Secret worshippers of the devil too!
I would like you to know that I have not however inherited any of the alien genes except for the AL001976 and AL184213 because they could not be transferred to my zygote under the " earth" conditions when my bearers were going through the process AL-sexual reproduction.
Note: - AL001976 gene- the gene of changing personalities and having variable talents
AL184213 gene- the gene of playing with the minds of men and turning them on ;-)
P.S- I feel like I'm posting after ages and you have no idea of how I felt without blogging for more than a month. Lost my mind while writing the last part, hope you do enjoy the humor. And don't even think of checking if my parents are real aliens unless you really want them to be offended and do their alien dance for you or have the privilege to bleed your nose. They can read minds, remember? =P
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
A single card to place cautiously,
I move my fingers delicately,
But the cards flail stormingly!
There's this house of cards
that I've been building,
But a gush of wind keeps
interrupting and has me fizzling.
It leaves me in despair to
see my efforts being wasted,
I offer to rescue it readily,
My patience is being tested.
I bury my head into the
despondency nibbling my creed,
Do I give into stringent Fate?
Should I heed or take the lead?
I contemplate about the
hinders of this challenging life,
I arise with renewed strength
to triumph this morbid strife.
Insecurity and forlorn dejection
are the only barriers life offers,
And if we overcome them,
life will be a miraculous wonder.
Little card triangles I make again,
I'm building my house of cards,
And if the wind comes knocking past,
I'll show it that I'm promisingly hard.
P.S - My computer crashed a few days back, and since I didn't have a back up I've lost a hundred of my poems and articles. In the greater sense, our life is not under our complete control. We might find ourselves achieving and fulfilling our dreams to a certain extent with our own credits, but natural obstacles and unfortunate events often demolish everything we have accomplished and constructed for ourselves till now. But we can regain everything we have lost if we have the zeal, optimism and strength to believe that nothing can stop us from obtaining what we want.
Korbo... Lorbo...Jeetbo re!! :)
Sunday, February 15, 2009
u make me ryd thru life ,
for u i dun mind even goin outta bounds .
ur presence makes me go round and round !!!
was it jz u or ur mind blowin fauna !
i`l not leave u ever jz hold on tight !
on a pleasant day ur lyk the most beautiful kite !
its like u cum booming in lyk a suns ray !
until on my death bed i lay !
it wud be lyk stabbing me with a knife .
will take you to a place wer even GOD cant fly !!!
Thank you for being so thoughful darling :) .. Noone has ever done such a thing for me, and this has been the best gift I've possibly received till now.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Insecurities due to past trauma, Revenge, Selfish voracity for pleasure are turning us into heartless beasts. Why is our potent strength, courage and determination now used for venting our raging negativity to turn this land into hell through bloody destruction? Have our time-machines turned us to the premature times of evolution when we clawed another's mind and body indifferently for food and shelter? What has changed is just that we have moulted
out of our furry gorilla suits and our food has transformed to contaminated unwanted pleasure and social power, our shelter is ego and excessive desires.
All we find in the name of love is pleasure, exploitation, harmless fun which is often mentally traumatising to some. Commitment and true love is disappearing into thin air. Divorce rates are high, families are found broken in every corner of the street, and unhappiness is escaping from our caged hearts and infecting everyone with it.The characteristic feature of humanity is more of the intense emotions we are gifted with than our intelligence seated within our cranium. Love is the answer to the rise of humanity and the conversion of this hate-filled terrorized world into a better place. Genuine pure love with no social or mental barriers, conditions or expectations.
But what is the reason of love to be enlisted in the low priority list or even the 'no-no' list of today's world? Is it because we are too careeristically selfish and greedy for a high social status and salary, or is it because we don't want strings attached with the satisfying fun we can get possibly get anywhere? Or maybe love has broken our hearts so bad in the past, that it is difficult for some to get their hearts mended and move on for a further attack that can leave them shattered again? Whatever the reason might be, Love has been misinterpreted and misvalued till now.
Love is the only miracle that can revive a person from a dead life, and ironically it is also the bitter potion that can kill someone. But honestly, it is just a medicine that turns poisonous when it reaches its expiry date. Real love leaves no regrets, because every moment spent with the person will be like a lifetime of an enormous bundle of joy to treasure forever. Mr. Pramod Muthalik's derogatory remarks and plans for the Valentine's Day made me realize how a man who hasn't found or even searched for love, tries to intervene others and snatch their happiness from them. A man who has been hurt before wouldn't want the others to be hurt in the same way if he's good at heart, and a man who has not found his treasure wouldn't want the others to win in their quest if he's competitive. Both the reasons could be a possibility of his wrathful actions.
Sometimes, we don't know why we mean so much to a person, and the person doesn't know why he means so much to you. But I guess this the way it is supposed to be.. strange, unknown, mysterious, unreasonable. If we had reasons for everything, we wouldn't have any drama of romance or tragedy. Time doesn't play any role in the game of love, because it can happen at any instant and can remain to be immortal, like a timeless tide gushing with warmth splattering a beauty that cannot be sensed but can only be felt.I bury the senseless thoughts rushing in my head and avert my gaze outside momentarily. The raining has stopped, the tree calm with its branches looping over its old body, leaves gleaming with a new spark of life.
How romance speaks silently in nature. The touch of the cold rounded fingers of rain on the tree's body sets it in a mood of wild dance, and serene happiness fills up her soul with love even when he vanishes. It's just the same as how you enchanted me with your spell of love, and brought over happiness in my life, and bottled my heart tightly with love that can never die or fade even though we ceased to remain in each other's presence. Just the same as how you aroused me from my mournful state and instilled me with a new spirited life full of courage and perseverance.
I gave you my heart and you returned it broken, and stitches or bandages couldn't fix it, because its only Love that can fix a broken heart. I await for the miracle patiently to greet me and cure me. I close my eyes gently as I'm weary and I see you standing before me in that grey T I saw you wearing the last time. You're smiling or maybe it's one of your savage smirk when you turn your head at an angle and give the naughty smile thinking "yea baby, I rock!" These memories make me uncomfortable with a pain that throbs in the deeper layers of my heart.
I open my eyes hesitantly and look at the keyboard, and notice that U and I are always together.. just like we've always been in my mind..
<3>>>>>>> ~~~ <3>
Friday, January 23, 2009
I believed in destiny and in the Dear Lord above,
I rose from fire and I ended my life in ashes,
Look into my eyes, you'll see tears on my lashes.
I wanted to change the world into a better place,
But I was left staggering behind in this race,
I wanted to spread love and kindness,
But bitterness filled me up when I was loveless.
I'm broken, and I'm shattered ,
I've lost everything that to me, mattered,
I'm perplexed and lonely, with no remnants of me,
Give me those wings that will finally set me free.
Pain scarred my body, Love loathed my soul,
Probing frantically for a light in this black hole,
I found the secret key to my wonderland's door,
With a nervous yet excited heart, I was ready to explore.
I don't know where am I going or what I'll be seeing,
I don't know what I'll find in the path I'm traversing,
But all I want to do is keep hoping and dreaming,
That one day I'll find my wings and be up there flying.
Flying out of life's depressing baffling maze,
Spreading my wings and playing with the sunrays,
Dancing with the wind, perching on cloud fringes,
Looking down at the world and reflecting happiness.
Wings of wishes, come and yeild to me,
Adhere yourself to my midriff and bring down tranquility,
Let the angels gaze into my eyes lovingly,
Wings of freedom, come and make me free!
Monday, January 19, 2009
progressive steps of the Linnaeus Hierarchy, but I wouldn't care to change myself for what you perceive about me.
My feelings are esoteric and my personality is varied and opaque. My self-inflicted pain is an innocuous act of purifying myself which redressed my negativity. My history of SIV (Self Inflicted Violence) goes back to my 6th standard when I ploughed on my left wrist with my geometry compass repeatedly, for the fear of letting down my parents. My Class teacher counselled me, and it worked.. only for a year. I transposed to broken glass when the pain induced by compass accustomed me to it. The smears of blood on the glass when it dug into my skin, used to leave me with a blind qualmish satisfaction.
The first time I used a blade after trials of mental interdiction was after my first love left me. Unable to cope with the killing pain and the gruesome depression infecting me, I cut " I HATE LOVE" on my left thigh. The art was created with so much of perfection and commitment, that it wouldn't fade away in another five years at least. The latest was when my emotions were too traumatized and too arduous and perplexing for me to handle, that I broke a test tube in my Chemistry lab and cut my wrist with the broke pieces, moaning with the calm inset of pleasure and peace.
My scars reminds me of my obscure past even now. Every scar has a story of its own, and each one of them coaxes me when I'm low and lonely, and enthralls my heart with fulfillment when I give birth to them. The only other two words I have engraved on my skin are " ANGRY" and "LOXE" ( Lose/Love). I feigned of hurting myself in minor accidents every time my parents inquired about my fresh wounds, but the truth can't be hidden for long. Parents, teacher,friends, boyfriends urged me to to get a grip on my tangible emotions and advised and adhered me to stop.
But I simply couldn't. They sympathized and empathized with me whole heartedly, but it was only me who really felt the pang of grief striking me and tearing me apart, those reckless moment of apathy and anxiety when my fingers turned icy and my mind wandered. I didn't want to overthrow my emotional hurricane on a person or an object, I decided to vent it on my own self. And you're wrong if you think that I don't love myself. I love myself so so much to an incomprehensible extent, that I can bear to hurt only myself, as I know I will continue to love myself no matter what I undertake.
I go into the toilet, and open the tap. I let only hot water fill up my bucket, and as I undress I see my bathroom turn into a steamy paradise. The warmth comfortably greets me, and as I touch the hot water pernicious burning of my fingers blanks my mind out for a minute. As the water trickles down my skin, I feel my skin burning and cooling, simultaneously and abruptly. It is difficult to explain.. My mind is congested only with thoughts of nervy pleasure , and the unveiled darkness of my soul makes me feel connected to a higher spiritual standing. The hot water has burned my iniquitous skin, washed away the memories of my past.. and now I'm gifted with a new chaste mind and body.
As I wear my clothes in the steamy fog , I am content. My skin is now a shade of russet, as russet as the complexion of babies whelping from the mother's womb. I am healed...
In my way, I am.. HEALED...
- Diana Cooper
Well, I would like to comply to that too. After my college hours terminated, I had an encounter with my Math Sir or *bunking* my math internal test. I could feel that he found me cumbersome because he finally let me go detestably. I rushed to the food court to grab an ice cream cone. I was idyllic to have my tongue swirl around the vanilla, and my adrenaline flow accelerated in my body, berserking me with an incredulous happiness. Simplicity
and immaturity dawned on me, worldliness and plasticity relinquished.
I was sitting on the steps of the gallery, licking away my ice cream cone to glory.. my legs swinging to and fro like a little child's. I shuddered at the abrupt realization of me not being a child anymore. I looked around and saw a few people staring at me .. some aghast, some bewildered, some mocking me, and a few envying me. I could resolve the underlying reason behind every expression they put up on their faces, except that of envy. My ice cream? Surely not, because they have all the means and the cafeteria has abundant supply. Then what?
As I walked out of the college gates and revealed myself to the bright world around me, a feeling of monopolised happiness settled over me once again. I didn't think it was one of my ecstatic and elated moods, when I found everything to be gruesomely delightful. I bathed in the sun light as I walked down the road to the bus stop. I noticed the people by the temple; a few devotees with flowers in their clasped hands, and a few women with flowers in their baskets selling it to the devotees. Life is unfair. How enervating is it to see discrimination of God's creation of mankind, and its eminent difference to the social blues in a place of worship!
I waited under a roofless bus stop for nearly fifteen minutes, my eyes darting on the number plate of each of the approaching buses, and running towards them fretfully when I felt it could transport me to my destination. My ears were deaf to the usual bus stop groan, screeches and hubbub, as they were clogged with ear fones. I boarded onto a bus finally, as students, mothers, and saree clad ammas with flowers on their head pushed me indignantly as
I climbed the aisle. The conductor inclemented me soon for my bus fare, and I was there amidst a crowd of stinking, sweaty strangers pushing and falling over me in these stale oppressive conditions.
My feelings strangely shifted from revulsion to anomalied joy quickly and unknowingly. Humanity is now scourged with scepticism, and has reached a heightened state of paranoia. My childhood recapitulated before my eyes making me smile weakly, as the music in my ears reverberated in my complete soul. Those warm summer afternoons when I wore nothing but a skirt with my swim suit, and played "balancing" with my other friends till we resonated with an amplified laughter when some one fell in the bus. When we all hung like chimpanzees from the
handle rods of the metro rails, and dangled like sand bags.
Nothing ever bothered or mortified us. We were unacquainted with this society groaning for an identity and recognition of its own, by means of constraining our true selves in the bleak shadow of hypocrisy and elegant pretensions. We never regretted anything, and nothing could embarrass us. That was our innocent, genuine selves, which is why Childhood remains to be the best period in any man's life. I realized why those teenagers coveted me while I was gulping the vanilla down my throat. It was because I had the courage and the spontaneity to be Me, when the world surrounding me is trying to be *cool* and a * wanna be*.
How many people dare to be themselves, do what they want to do despite of what they think they will be considered by the air heads around them? Understanding is something we lack now, all we seem to be bundled up with is criticism and misanthropic judgements about one another. A group of school girls arrived at the next stop, and their rings of laughter and smell of coconut oil from their braided hair beckoned to my nostalgia. They trampled over me, stamped my shoes indifferently, but it didn't hassle me now, as I was being consumed with their
energy. The energy of childlike simplicity.
"Simplicity in character, in manners, in style; in all things the supreme excellence is simplicity."
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Be yourself and don't try to imitate another to get a share of appreciation or popularity. Losing one's originality and individuality is oppressing one's inner self and slow poisoning the vibrant soul inside. Why would you want to care about the people who don't care for you, and is going to be an insignificant indiscernible audience of your life forever? Be yourself, and rediscover yourself by drowning in childlike simplicity..
Walk barefoot on grass,
Smell the fragrance of the flowers as you pass them by,
Cuddle a cute stray puppy on the way,
Hum a tune a little loud enough for the passer by to hear you and give you a chuckle ;)
Above all, Childlike simplicity is life's beauty
Sunday, January 18, 2009
I don't preach that we, the children of God are in the loving hands of Almighty and he has plans for each one of us, and neither do I believe that we make our own destiny. My doctrine is a bit intermediate to the two choices. Maybe there are a number of futures God has promptly contrived for us, and according to our Karma, he picks out our next scene in this prototyped drama.. Or maybe it is the most complicated conditioned programme ever written which calibrates and administers our life. I admit I'm not a rigid believer as I've recently converted from atheism reluctantly, and if he exists one never really knows in what form, or what new technology he's accomodated with ;)
Or there are probably living clones of us who are living synthetic versions of our life in different phases of time, each seceded by a specific time gap.. Yes, something similar to the parallel universe theory. Our lives are in action in each of these universes, but the law of reflection is inversed in this case, as the object seems to be formed from the refection and compilation of the images. Each of the time phases are affixed with a plot, and when our original starting actions co-incide with a particular image, we undertake the voyage of that universe. Do I make sense? I
just hope I do .. :P ( I will later post on this subject in detail.. provide me your comments )
As the sky begins to uplift its knight-armor, I feel sacred, as the vermilion sun rays bathe my daunted mind, and cleanse my self-condemned soul. I am like a briar, a wild rose with its ugly hideous thorns piercing out, remaining silent with an undisclosed and blossoming beauty within. My beauty and my perfume fails to capture hearts due to my dire thorns, the ones that I've fostered to protect my own fragile self, because of my mounds of insecurities. The world around me is now static. I walk to the mirror, and I see dark brown eyes staring back at me ineptly with a blank ignorant gaze.
The eyes are servile yet has a marvellous sparkle in them , and clouds of distressed queries have sobered the brilliance. As I study her intently again, my reflection asks me questioningly ,
" Who am I? What is my purpose of living?
Is this what I'm supposed to be doing?
Who am I, really? "
I was addicted to the text books for the past few days. I had surrendered my time and myself to it so that I can lose myself in an array of words that can empower my knowledge and engulf my recent emotional scars. I thought I had succeeded, till now.. My past is flashing in front of my fervent eyes and reminding me of the fiasco I was. Why now? Why does my own hibernating dreadful memories come back alive to torment myself just when I am about to unleash my powers?
I could do nothing to cajole myself except for switch on my P.C and denude my thoughts. After all, writing is the best form of my expression. Pessimism strikes me again and I'm now feeling neurotic. I was proud of my English once, I used to read a couple of incredible novels every month which wasn't trashed with today's crude modern English, I was into poetry and wrote a few nice ones too. I loved literature and could comprehend Shakespeare's
words easily without a guide, but now I hardly read.
Well, yea, all you can tell me is to start in that dry appeasing tone, but I can't. Something stops me.. it might be those warriors in my head which doesn't give me my peace of mind till they finally reconcile. And now I feel I talk like an dwindled moron, and write like an illiterate. What was once my strength is now my uncertain dilemma..
Or maybe it's just all in my ambivalent mind!
If I have to overcome the struggles in life, first I need to overcome my mind..
Focus... Focus... yes.. Focus..
black that symbolizes.. darkness, death, despair, difference and contradictorily defines peace, enlightenment, spiritual optimism...
I'm recluse and recast into this new being. I realized what my weaknesses were.. credulity and sensitivity that led me to empathize and live my life in every person's shoe other than mine own. But I'm no more of that now. I haven't changed.. I died and now I'm reincarnated. I've born out from those same flames which had destroyed me and rendered me to ashes. The flames of love..
I might be called recalcitrant and unsympathetic now, but I've learnt to speak my mind out. If I don't, I will be exploited and my precious thoughts will be buried within me alive, torturing my mind to unsanctified numbness. I don't want that to happen anymore. I want to feel everything.. every emotion to the greatest degree. I don't mind being depressed, anxious or having my subconscious filled with negativity that can turbulate my mind, but I want to FeeL..
I want to feel, because I know how meaningless life becomes when you restrain your emotions and feelings. You start living in your life in an undetermined, undefined and undirected void that has no instructions given on the solutions to escape.The only feeling I don't want to feel is.. Love.
Am I phobic to love? May be.. I might be just too tired of this unsuccessful quest that ruined me completely. Love is a fairy tale we want to believe in, because it fills up our senses like a charming illusion. What we believe in, we perceive. I had lost my sight, my morals, my dignity, my character, my feelings in the name of love.. I have been literally screwed in the name of it.. and I believe I can live happily without it in my life :)
You might say my gibberish is a result of my heartbreak and that I'll move on and find my right one and re discover what love truly is. Then You should know that I don't want to. Yeah, like hell I am stubborn ;)
Right now, I want to be myself and live my life for myself. I want to move out after finishing my education and rent an apartment and buy my car, and live happily. I don't want to marry, neither do I want to have kids, even though kids and dogs are chocolate to my eyes. Too shallow? Well, let me swim on the surface before I plunge underwater and risk my life. I want to be independent in its true sense.. and I want to prove to everyone who had doubted,
discriminated, humiliated and derogated me that I'm way better than what they perceived me to be.
Yeah.. I am deluging with perseverance and zeal. Hope this doesn't crumble away before I construct something out of it. And do comment on my posts if you have anything to criticize, appreciate or merely discuss.
Time to do something productive for now.. Chemistry and Hindi test tomorrow :(
Gotto study.. aDioZ :P