About the Author :

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Hey!! This is Philoanna a.k.a Arundhati Chaudhuri.. This is my blog spot, so i wouldn't really want to describe myself here, because I would like my work to speak for myself. I hope you enjoy reading my blog posts and don't forget to drop a comment after you finish reading my works, because I would love to have your criticism, and aim for your appreciation. Also, share your ideas and perspectives with me on the topics I've written on if you'd like to =) Happy Reading! " How fortunate are you and I whose home is timelessness: we who have wandered down fragrant mountains of eternal now; to frolic in such mysteries as birth and death a day ( or maybe even less )" - e.e cummings

Friday, January 23, 2009

Wings of Freedom

I believed in soul mates and I believed in love,
I believed in destiny and in the Dear Lord above,
I rose from fire and I ended my life in ashes,
Look into my eyes, you'll see tears on my lashes.

I wanted to change the world into a better place,
But I was left staggering behind in this race,
I wanted to spread love and kindness,
But bitterness filled me up when I was loveless.

I'm broken, and I'm shattered ,
I've lost everything that to me, mattered,
I'm perplexed and lonely, with no remnants of me,
Give me those wings that will finally set me free.

Pain scarred my body, Love loathed my soul,
Probing frantically for a light in this black hole,
I found the secret key to my wonderland's door,
With a nervous yet excited heart, I was ready to explore.

I don't know where am I going or what I'll be seeing,
I don't know what I'll find in the path I'm traversing,
But all I want to do is keep hoping and dreaming,
That one day I'll find my wings and be up there flying.

Flying out of life's depressing baffling maze,
Spreading my wings and playing with the sunrays,
Dancing with the wind, perching on cloud fringes,
Looking down at the world and reflecting happiness.

Wings of wishes, come and yeild to me,
Adhere yourself to my midriff and bring down tranquility,
Let the angels gaze into my eyes lovingly,
Wings of freedom, come and make me free!

Monday, January 19, 2009


I am a lover of physical pain, and my body thirsts for it fervently again. I'm not the kind who wants to find dirt-cheap pleasure in ruthless spanking, beastly bondage and inane lewdness.Pain is the aperture of my spiritual dawning and soul stirring satisfaction. It generates this conflagration in my mind that cleanses my soul, burns my skin with an inexpressible unforgettable exaltation and submerges my pejorative thoughts and feelings in the ashes. Oh, you are welcome to analyze, judge and categorize me as a * Weirdo* or a * Freak*, just like the
progressive steps of the Linnaeus Hierarchy, but I wouldn't care to change myself for what you perceive about me.

My feelings are esoteric and my personality is varied and opaque. My self-inflicted pain is an innocuous act of purifying myself which redressed my negativity. My history of SIV (Self Inflicted Violence) goes back to my 6th standard when I ploughed on my left wrist with my geometry compass repeatedly, for the fear of letting down my parents. My Class teacher counselled me, and it worked.. only for a year. I transposed to broken glass when the pain induced by compass accustomed me to it. The smears of blood on the glass when it dug into my skin, used to leave me with a blind qualmish satisfaction.

The first time I used a blade after trials of mental interdiction was after my first love left me. Unable to cope with the killing pain and the gruesome depression infecting me, I cut " I HATE LOVE" on my left thigh. The art was created with so much of perfection and commitment, that it wouldn't fade away in another five years at least. The latest was when my emotions were too traumatized and too arduous and perplexing for me to handle, that I broke a test tube in my Chemistry lab and cut my wrist with the broke pieces, moaning with the calm inset of pleasure and peace.

My scars reminds me of my obscure past even now. Every scar has a story of its own, and each one of them coaxes me when I'm low and lonely, and enthralls my heart with fulfillment when I give birth to them. The only other two words I have engraved on my skin are " ANGRY" and "LOXE" ( Lose/Love). I feigned of hurting myself in minor accidents every time my parents inquired about my fresh wounds, but the truth can't be hidden for long. Parents, teacher,friends, boyfriends urged me to to get a grip on my tangible emotions and advised and adhered me to stop.

But I simply couldn't. They sympathized and empathized with me whole heartedly, but it was only me who really felt the pang of grief striking me and tearing me apart, those reckless moment of apathy and anxiety when my fingers turned icy and my mind wandered. I didn't want to overthrow my emotional hurricane on a person or an object, I decided to vent it on my own self. And you're wrong if you think that I don't love myself. I love myself so so much to an incomprehensible extent, that I can bear to hurt only myself, as I know I will continue to love myself no matter what I undertake.

I go into the toilet, and open the tap. I let only hot water fill up my bucket, and as I undress I see my bathroom turn into a steamy paradise. The warmth comfortably greets me, and as I touch the hot water pernicious burning of my fingers blanks my mind out for a minute. As the water trickles down my skin, I feel my skin burning and cooling, simultaneously and abruptly. It is difficult to explain.. My mind is congested only with thoughts of nervy pleasure , and the unveiled darkness of my soul makes me feel connected to a higher spiritual standing. The hot water has burned my iniquitous skin, washed away the memories of my past.. and now I'm gifted with a new chaste mind and body.

As I wear my clothes in the steamy fog , I am content. My skin is now a shade of russet, as russet as the complexion of babies whelping from the mother's womb. I am healed...
In my way, I am.. HEALED...

Childlike Simplicity

It helped me in the air to keep my small mind contained in earthly human limits, not lost in vertiginous space and elements unknown.
- Diana Cooper

Well, I would like to comply to that too. After my college hours terminated, I had an encounter with my Math Sir or *bunking* my math internal test. I could feel that he found me cumbersome because he finally let me go detestably. I rushed to the food court to grab an ice cream cone. I was idyllic to have my tongue swirl around the vanilla, and my adrenaline flow accelerated in my body, berserking me with an incredulous happiness. Simplicity
and immaturity dawned on me, worldliness and plasticity relinquished.

I was sitting on the steps of the gallery, licking away my ice cream cone to glory.. my legs swinging to and fro like a little child's. I shuddered at the abrupt realization of me not being a child anymore. I looked around and saw a few people staring at me .. some aghast, some bewildered, some mocking me, and a few envying me. I could resolve the underlying reason behind every expression they put up on their faces, except that of envy. My ice cream? Surely not, because they have all the means and the cafeteria has abundant supply. Then what?

As I walked out of the college gates and revealed myself to the bright world around me, a feeling of monopolised happiness settled over me once again. I didn't think it was one of my ecstatic and elated moods, when I found everything to be gruesomely delightful. I bathed in the sun light as I walked down the road to the bus stop. I noticed the people by the temple; a few devotees with flowers in their clasped hands, and a few women with flowers in their baskets selling it to the devotees. Life is unfair. How enervating is it to see discrimination of God's creation of mankind, and its eminent difference to the social blues in a place of worship!

I waited under a roofless bus stop for nearly fifteen minutes, my eyes darting on the number plate of each of the approaching buses, and running towards them fretfully when I felt it could transport me to my destination. My ears were deaf to the usual bus stop groan, screeches and hubbub, as they were clogged with ear fones. I boarded onto a bus finally, as students, mothers, and saree clad ammas with flowers on their head pushed me indignantly as
I climbed the aisle. The conductor inclemented me soon for my bus fare, and I was there amidst a crowd of stinking, sweaty strangers pushing and falling over me in these stale oppressive conditions.

My feelings strangely shifted from revulsion to anomalied joy quickly and unknowingly. Humanity is now scourged with scepticism, and has reached a heightened state of paranoia. My childhood recapitulated before my eyes making me smile weakly, as the music in my ears reverberated in my complete soul. Those warm summer afternoons when I wore nothing but a skirt with my swim suit, and played "balancing" with my other friends till we resonated with an amplified laughter when some one fell in the bus. When we all hung like chimpanzees from the
handle rods of the metro rails, and dangled like sand bags.

Nothing ever bothered or mortified us. We were unacquainted with this society groaning for an identity and recognition of its own, by means of constraining our true selves in the bleak shadow of hypocrisy and elegant pretensions. We never regretted anything, and nothing could embarrass us. That was our innocent, genuine selves, which is why Childhood remains to be the best period in any man's life. I realized why those teenagers coveted me while I was gulping the vanilla down my throat. It was because I had the courage and the spontaneity to be Me, when the world surrounding me is trying to be *cool* and a * wanna be*.

How many people dare to be themselves, do what they want to do despite of what they think they will be considered by the air heads around them? Understanding is something we lack now, all we seem to be bundled up with is criticism and misanthropic judgements about one another. A group of school girls arrived at the next stop, and their rings of laughter and smell of coconut oil from their braided hair beckoned to my nostalgia. They trampled over me, stamped my shoes indifferently, but it didn't hassle me now, as I was being consumed with their
energy. The energy of childlike simplicity.

"Simplicity in character, in manners, in style; in all things the supreme excellence is simplicity."
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Be yourself and don't try to imitate another to get a share of appreciation or popularity. Losing one's originality and individuality is oppressing one's inner self and slow poisoning the vibrant soul inside. Why would you want to care about the people who don't care for you, and is going to be an insignificant indiscernible audience of your life forever? Be yourself, and rediscover yourself by drowning in childlike simplicity..

Walk barefoot on grass,
Smell the fragrance of the flowers as you pass them by,
Cuddle a cute stray puppy on the way,
Hum a tune a little loud enough for the passer by to hear you and give you a chuckle ;)

Above all, Childlike simplicity is life's beauty

Sunday, January 18, 2009


I awoke in the chilly darkness, and felt the world rotating dynamically before my hazy eyes. As if, everything was rotating including the walls of my room, my wardrobe and my cupboards, my study table and I was the only one at rest , sitting on a shield of air molecules that held me tight and upright. I wasn't dizzy, I confess, but I was tremoring transfixed. How much ever of a protagonist we aim to be, we remain to be partially dubious of our future, and destiny does govern our life to a nominal extent at least. I feel clandestine, and I wish to divulge my random thoughts.

I don't preach that we, the children of God are in the loving hands of Almighty and he has plans for each one of us, and neither do I believe that we make our own destiny. My doctrine is a bit intermediate to the two choices. Maybe there are a number of futures God has promptly contrived for us, and according to our Karma, he picks out our next scene in this prototyped drama.. Or maybe it is the most complicated conditioned programme ever written which calibrates and administers our life. I admit I'm not a rigid believer as I've recently converted from atheism reluctantly, and if he exists one never really knows in what form, or what new technology he's accomodated with ;)

Or there are probably living clones of us who are living synthetic versions of our life in different phases of time, each seceded by a specific time gap.. Yes, something similar to the parallel universe theory. Our lives are in action in each of these universes, but the law of reflection is inversed in this case, as the object seems to be formed from the refection and compilation of the images. Each of the time phases are affixed with a plot, and when our original starting actions co-incide with a particular image, we undertake the voyage of that universe. Do I make sense? I
just hope I do .. :P ( I will later post on this subject in detail.. provide me your comments )

As the sky begins to uplift its knight-armor, I feel sacred, as the vermilion sun rays bathe my daunted mind, and cleanse my self-condemned soul. I am like a briar, a wild rose with its ugly hideous thorns piercing out, remaining silent with an undisclosed and blossoming beauty within. My beauty and my perfume fails to capture hearts due to my dire thorns, the ones that I've fostered to protect my own fragile self, because of my mounds of insecurities. The world around me is now static. I walk to the mirror, and I see dark brown eyes staring back at me ineptly with a blank ignorant gaze.

The eyes are servile yet has a marvellous sparkle in them , and clouds of distressed queries have sobered the brilliance. As I study her intently again, my reflection asks me questioningly ,
" Who am I? What is my purpose of living?
Is this what I'm supposed to be doing?
Who am I, really? "

Mind Focus

NO.. this is different, and this feeling of raw pessimistic incompetency and destitution is leaving me turmoiled. So flustered, that I was totally unable to concentrate for even a minute in my book. My doubts are on my potency and a future I never even dared or rather cared to chalk out. I'm groping for something that will calm me down, and divert my preciously needed attention back to my text books, but I can't find it.

I was addicted to the text books for the past few days. I had surrendered my time and myself to it so that I can lose myself in an array of words that can empower my knowledge and engulf my recent emotional scars. I thought I had succeeded, till now.. My past is flashing in front of my fervent eyes and reminding me of the fiasco I was. Why now? Why does my own hibernating dreadful memories come back alive to torment myself just when I am about to unleash my powers?

I could do nothing to cajole myself except for switch on my P.C and denude my thoughts. After all, writing is the best form of my expression. Pessimism strikes me again and I'm now feeling neurotic. I was proud of my English once, I used to read a couple of incredible novels every month which wasn't trashed with today's crude modern English, I was into poetry and wrote a few nice ones too. I loved literature and could comprehend Shakespeare's
words easily without a guide, but now I hardly read.

Well, yea, all you can tell me is to start in that dry appeasing tone, but I can't. Something stops me.. it might be those warriors in my head which doesn't give me my peace of mind till they finally reconcile. And now I feel I talk like an dwindled moron, and write like an illiterate. What was once my strength is now my uncertain dilemma..

Or maybe it's just all in my ambivalent mind!
If I have to overcome the struggles in life, first I need to overcome my mind..

Focus... Focus... yes.. Focus..


I feel confused, frustrated and demented. The sad truth is that I usually always feel like this. You might think that this can be pretty darn boring, but trust me, every time this feeling sets over me, I travel a new path and reach a new destination that surprises myself! It opens up my eyes, fades away those delusional stars sparkling in mine, and covers my eyes with that black darkness..
black that symbolizes.. darkness, death, despair, difference and contradictorily defines peace, enlightenment, spiritual optimism...

I'm recluse and recast into this new being. I realized what my weaknesses were.. credulity and sensitivity that led me to empathize and live my life in every person's shoe other than mine own. But I'm no more of that now. I haven't changed.. I died and now I'm reincarnated. I've born out from those same flames which had destroyed me and rendered me to ashes. The flames of love..

I might be called recalcitrant and unsympathetic now, but I've learnt to speak my mind out. If I don't, I will be exploited and my precious thoughts will be buried within me alive, torturing my mind to unsanctified numbness. I don't want that to happen anymore. I want to feel everything.. every emotion to the greatest degree. I don't mind being depressed, anxious or having my subconscious filled with negativity that can turbulate my mind, but I want to FeeL..

I want to feel, because I know how meaningless life becomes when you restrain your emotions and feelings. You start living in your life in an undetermined, undefined and undirected void that has no instructions given on the solutions to escape.The only feeling I don't want to feel is.. Love.

Am I phobic to love? May be.. I might be just too tired of this unsuccessful quest that ruined me completely. Love is a fairy tale we want to believe in, because it fills up our senses like a charming illusion. What we believe in, we perceive. I had lost my sight, my morals, my dignity, my character, my feelings in the name of love.. I have been literally screwed in the name of it.. and I believe I can live happily without it in my life :)
You might say my gibberish is a result of my heartbreak and that I'll move on and find my right one and re discover what love truly is. Then You should know that I don't want to. Yeah, like hell I am stubborn ;)

Right now, I want to be myself and live my life for myself. I want to move out after finishing my education and rent an apartment and buy my car, and live happily. I don't want to marry, neither do I want to have kids, even though kids and dogs are chocolate to my eyes. Too shallow? Well, let me swim on the surface before I plunge underwater and risk my life. I want to be independent in its true sense.. and I want to prove to everyone who had doubted,
discriminated, humiliated and derogated me that I'm way better than what they perceived me to be.

Yeah.. I am deluging with perseverance and zeal. Hope this doesn't crumble away before I construct something out of it. And do comment on my posts if you have anything to criticize, appreciate or merely discuss.

Time to do something productive for now.. Chemistry and Hindi test tomorrow :(
Gotto study.. aDioZ :P