About the Author :

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Hey!! This is Philoanna a.k.a Arundhati Chaudhuri.. This is my blog spot, so i wouldn't really want to describe myself here, because I would like my work to speak for myself. I hope you enjoy reading my blog posts and don't forget to drop a comment after you finish reading my works, because I would love to have your criticism, and aim for your appreciation. Also, share your ideas and perspectives with me on the topics I've written on if you'd like to =) Happy Reading! " How fortunate are you and I whose home is timelessness: we who have wandered down fragrant mountains of eternal now; to frolic in such mysteries as birth and death a day ( or maybe even less )" - e.e cummings

Monday, April 20, 2009

Dying Tonight

The black owl is shrieking
its shrill murderous cries,
The deadly is night sky is staring
with cold bloodshot eyes,
I lay on my thorny bed
my veins are freezing,
Beads of sweat on my temple,
I’ll be dying!

The snowy moon appears
making me shiver uncontrollably,
Thoughts are flying out of the
purple slit in my head silently,
The emptiness is consuming me,
Paranoia is gnawing at me,
I see foggy ghosts who’ve come
out of their graves to invite me.

Frustrated of this shadowy world,
and fugitive of this unjust life,
I carved DEATH on my bony wrist
to end this shattering strife,
I bathed in my blood as
my dark veins ruptured,
It glided on my cold numb skin
and in ecstatic pain I flustered.

And now I am here, having
lost everything I once had,
Fame, Respect, Love and Esteem
have deserted me leaving me mad!
Emotions, feelings, ethics have
betrayed this dry impotent soul,
I am living a worthless life with a body
evacuated of everything on the whole.

Ruined my faith and beliefs,
lost my precious nurtured dreams,
Tricked by the mirages of water
I vomited as I drank from the brim.
Falling down as I walked on my way
my fragile limbs tore apart and broke,
But now I have decided to end this turmoil
and in this cherished thought I will soak.

My graves are now opening,
the chilly wind is enticing me,
My heart is beating faster and louder,
desperate cries of Death are haunting me!
The trees are shaking their boughs violently
at the thought of shading my rotten corpse,
I am drained of every droplet of blood,
now, there is no time for regret and remorse,

Am I really dying tonight?
and setting a stop to my everything?
And, am I dying tonight building and 
achieving absolutely nothing?!
If I really die tonight, will I
escape this suffocating jail finally?
I know I will die tonight,
but is this how my demise was meant to be? 

P.S- Kiran, posted this up for you as you wanted me to post my death poem :P and I hope you like it! =]

Friday, April 17, 2009

Love Story

Why does every story remain unfinished and incomplete in our lives? Why does the happiness doesn’t seem to be satisfying us to the extent we want to b pleased with? Why does every best thing have something terribly bad with it too? Why can’t anything.. absolutely anything for that matter be perfect, just the way we had imagined it for years before it even happened? Why can’t you be here with me right at this moment?

The distance is killing me, and every minute is getting harder without you. All I keep thinking about is you.. how I want to be by your side, how I want you to hold me in your arms close to your heart, and how we can walk down the street in the lovely silence holding hands and treasuring the beautiful touch. I want to stare at your deep dark eyes, and brush my hand against the dimple on your cheek, I want to hold you tight and hear your heart beat as I rest my head against your chest.

It’s been so long that I’ve been living in my world of your fantasies, and now I want to make them real. Never did I believe that I would give in myself to the concept of love, and never did I imagine that I could be missing someone so bad. But you shown me parts of myself that I never knew even existed. You’ve appreciated, understood and supported me effortlessly when I was in dire need of someone to stand by me. You’re the best thing that has happened to me, and I promise I would give up anything just to have your presence by my shadow.

Every love song, every romantic movie, every couple making love reminds me of you. I want you, I need you. My day seems to be so dreary and dispirited when I don’t hear your warm voice. Your voice rushes my adrenaline flow, and my heart thumps louder and faster, as the love hormones start gushing out like the magma of a volcano making me fall in deeper love with you with every second. I feel struck with stains of grief when I see couples seeing each other and being around each other, even I though I know that they probably don’t have even a fraction of the love and this precious bond we share. 

 I want to be with you forever and bring the perfect fairy tale ending to our love story to recite to our children while we rock them to sleep. I want to make breakfast for you every morning and cuddle you every night while we sleep. I don’t care about what I have and what I don’t as long as I have you. But right now, all I dearly want with all my grieving heart is to see you and hold you. I’ve imagined frequently about the state I’ll be in when I see you, and I don’t really know if I’ll be in tears hugging you tightly with no words, or jumping up and down with a smile that escapes the breadth of my face and acting crazy!

But whatever it is, and however it will be; it will be because I love you a lot, so much that even words fail to define its magnitude and weight. Sometimes I want to tell you how much I love you but I can’t seem to. I was never very good at expressing verbally, and I wish I could say how I love you just like you do. Every time you say you love me, your voice cracks a bit and gets deeper and the words strike my heart like heroine shots transporting me to a land filled with happiness and love. You’re not just a part of my life, you’re the best and the biggest part of it. You’re the puzzle block that was fitted into my jigsaw puzzle to complete it. 

The whole block is complete, but just a part of it is missing, and I think it always happens this way. If the world had everything, God wouldn’t be so much in power to dominate over us, would He? I think I’ve asked you quite a few times boiling with anger why people who love each other can’t be together when there are so many who aren’t in good terms with another and are still stuck to each other with some super self-magnetic induction. I still question myself the same with tears spilling from my eyes. I can’t sleep, and I turn on the slide show of your pictures.

 It’s 2 A.M, so I’ll probably wake you up if I text you. The tips of my fingers are turning icy cold as I gaze intently at your features.. your fingers curling around your sister’s arm, your smile lighting up your lovely face, a part of your chest exposed through the open buttons of your white shirt, and your eyes in which I get lost into whenever I look into them. I can’t look at them anymore because the pictures are just making me miss you more and more, so much so that a few of the keys on my keyboard share small puddles of my salty sorrow. I switch off my computer and the lights, and lie on my bed as I think of my Romeo while I listen to Love Story playing on my mp4.

“ Romeo take me to somewhere we can be alone,
  I’ll be waiting, all we have to do is run,
  You’ll be the Prince and I’ll be the Princess,
  It’s a love story.. Baby just say yes! …"

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Still Alive !!

 I cannot be a liar if I lied only to protect someone, I cannot be selfish if I've loved myself a lil more than the rest, 
I cannot be a whore if all I have done is truly trust someone, 
I cannot be a loser even if I have lost after trying my best.

I cannot be a joker if I laugh only to make others smile, 
I cannot be a psycho if I carve words only because they are unheard, 
I cannot be a vagabond if I've walked aimless everyday fr miles, 
I cannot be a prisoner of my depression, if I'm mentally and emotionally disturbed.  

I cannot be what you want me to be, if you gift me those paper notes, 
I cannot give you what you want if you tell me tales of love, 
I cannot lose my sight even if you snatch my boat, 
I can only be what I really am, because this is the real “Me" !

I cannot do it anymore...But I will... I really will... N then you will know, that despite of all the fucked up things u said and did to me, I never gave up. I strived and I did survive. And I just didn't survive, I achieved everything that I always wanted to, and U just stayed in ur own fucked up mess forever!  

I don't care about what makes sense to you anymore till it makes sense to me. I am going to myself.. I'm going to arouse the dead spirit of myself I had buried deep within me when I felt I needed to be something else. But now, all I received from being someone else is misunderstanding, misperceptions and misjudgement.  

I am back.. back to what I really was.. back to whatI always wanted to be.. I am ALIVE!