** P.S -> Please dont save the picture. It may not be copy righted, but it holds a lot of sentimental value for me. **
When I was at my tuitions, I glanced at you and saw you turn and look away, half-smiling with a blush. I lowered my eyes, and hid my face in the act of picking up something that fell under the bench, while I realized my face turning crimson and burning with embarrassment. I glanced at your direction again, and saw your left hand scribbling hypnotized loops on the notebook, while you still continued to smile relaxed. Your complexion, your crooked smile, the way you look at me keeps me dazed. No, I don’t like you, but I love someone who shares similar traits.
I miss Calcutta really bad. I miss spending my summers there, and never did I imagine myself to turn out to be such a faithful Bengali! I miss those little girls in frilly frocks racing with their bicycles, and the old homely Aunties sitting on the tortoise bench and gossiping with each other, and watching over the children. I miss my girl friends who used to take me along for swimming in the biggest as well as cleanest swimming pool I have ever seen till now. I miss my slightly older girl friends, esp Debi, a complete sweetheart who knew me from every angle even though I hardly spoke about myself to her.
I miss all the boys. I grew up with them, and saw their transformation from their scrawny ugly structures to their muscular, handsome built reflecting confidence and maturity. We used to shift to the Community Hall, as Guddu and Shubho played the guitars, and Jishnu sang his lungs out adapting the newest trends of a performer. Akash replaced Taewoo along with the drums as he went back to Korea, but Taewoo was exceptionally good as a drummer. I used to sit and learn playing instruments from them, criticizing and having the time of my life when I was in their presence. Oh, and we composed parodies for a million songs! =P When Boredom creeped in me, I used to visit the gym and work out and the kids used to follow me again.
Soon, I used to see you coming, chuckling to yourself as you saw me wreck my bones on the Fitness Abs machine. The kids would silently move out like they were instructed to, giving us our space. We would go to the Community Hall because I never wanted to go home till I was satisfied with my drumming, and you would encourage and appreciate me, making me feel like even my worst beats sounds terrifically pleasant to you. Your eyes would meet mine, as you strummed on your guitar and they had the gentle sparkle in them that would draw me closer to you. I always felt that they shone in that manner only for me.
The strong gush and roaring of the wind outside would break my romantic chain of thoughts, and I used to go out screaming with joy, flinging my arms out in the air and doing all sorts of stupid movements that would generally make another person standing with me embarrassed. But you watched me intently, like you were memorizing all of my actions, every minute reaction and I only wished I could hold you in my arms and ask you if we are feeling the same. Loose plastics bags would be flying in the air, Aunties would cry out from their balconies to their children to come home, and we would wait under the flaming red sky impatiently for the drops of rain. The rain would pour down on us, and we would get drenched in the shower of love.
When we were small, we used to play hide and seek. It was my favorite game and we would run hand in hand, and hide in dark corners lying very close to one another, while I felt your moist breath on my face. I wanted and loved you from my childhood days, but I waved the thoughts aside thinking it was an immature crush, which would fade away with time and die. But that did not happen. Every summer I saw you, I realized the bitter truth. I trusted you a lot, but you broke it. But I don't blame you for anything you did even though it hurt me. I think it's because I love you.
You called me up at 2a.m tonight and I would have cancelled it for anyone but you. I can’t ever ignore or avoid you for whatever you do to me. You are perfect for me in too many ways than u can think of. You have your girl and I have my guy, and we tell them that we love them. Even if you're serious about her and love her, it doesn't change a thing for me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being unfaithful, but I have stopped questioning myself due to teh remorseful state I get in when I try to figure things out. I know you will always care for me even if you cant reciprocate my feelings for you to the same intensity, but I can't love anyone else the way I love you for quite sometime. Some relationships don't have a name, and this is definitely one of such.
I miss u very much. I miss your eyes that dug into my soul when you looked at me, your vice that used to increase my heart beat. I miss the silly and serious things we did together, and how it changed nothing for you and me. You still call me at 2 a.m and we talk for hours over the telephone and I know you miss me, and you know clearly how I feel for you. I miss you even more now, because every time I glance to the right to look at him, I see you in him. Every time he smiles at me, I see you with those diamond eyes radiating all the warmth. I have the similar urge of holding his hands and intertwining his fingers with mine, as I had with you. I want to cup his face in my hands and kiss him lightly on his cheek. But I don't like him,
I love you.