I've been listening to Ave Maria for the past one hour. Maybe a little more.
I always listen to gospel songs when I'm depressed and disturbed, and no, I'm not a christian. I wear a Crucifix, I believe in Jesus, I go to the church. Isn't that enough? Or do I need the tag of being a Christian for doing all this? No, I'm not reacting abnormally. I've heard countless people asking me why I do such things when I'm not a Christian, so for those smiles with which I didn't give you the answer that I was supposed to; here it is. I'm more of a Christian without being one by birth or conversion than a few of the regular congregation.
I have always professed about the Law of Attraction to everyone."Don't be depressed, the more negative you think.. the more you will attract it." But what if the negative attracts you? What if it traps you and engulfs you into this timeless and void emptiness which you can never explain in words, but only feel with lumps in your throat? What if the Universal law isn't enough? Because, right now, it isn't! You'd ask me, " What's wrong? I saw you smiling and jumping around like a madwoman even today!" And I'd smile to you and say, " Nothing's wrong, stupid! I'm finee," in a sing song. But enough of lies and pretentions. It's bloody not even appreciated, and I'm sick of it!
So yeah, here's what's wrong. Here's what you never understand when you look at me. Here's me TELLING you that you don't know a single thing about me! ( Exceptions follow ofcourse!)
I'm emotional. I'm so emotional, and so messed up that .....
I'm impulsive. And I will never forgive myself for all the wrong choices and decisions I've made, that can never be undone. They eat me up, and even though I know God has forgiven me, I cannot be God. By the way, if you're thinking it's easy- I wear a ring on my left hand, middle finger, something I call as a "celibacy ring." But well, a ring remains a ring at the end of the day.
There's so much more to this, but I can never tell you about it. I don't even want to. Let me be "normal" in your eyes. After all, what you will offer me will be either pity, skepticism or ignorance.
My longest relationship, my best friend, my twin flame, my telepathic partner, my childhood friend is a drug addict. He's been admitted in the rehab thrice, and right now, as I'm writing this note.. he's in the rehab. Everytime he goes away for half a year, he leaves me numb and just a little more shattered than what I thought I could ever be. Some people have asked me, adviced me, carelessly told me to forget about him as I'd never have a future with me. And I've smiled at them and told them that I'm aware of it. But this is what I've never told them. I cannot trash away my best friend of six years, my crush of five years, boyfriend (ex?) of two years because he's a junkie. I'm not that shallow, selfish or smart. I have feelings for him that are so deep and true that it would take years for them to rust. And I don't want that to happen, because he's been my source of unconditional love and presence.
Now, the stupidest and the best part of it all!
I'm amazed and shocked and utterly disgusted by how hardly any of my surrounding people get me. Is it my fault that I'm always trying to fabricate my emotions, supressing and burying all my negativity, hurt and anger within me that makes no one get me? Is it my fault that my smiles hide it all so much that they've given the free right to people to hurt me, abuse me and take advantage of me? Maybe, my smiles are not for all! My bubbliness and my free childish spirit should be showcased only to the darling friends of mine (I'm not sarcastic here :\ ) who've been with me through the years and understood what I really am!They've seen me wade through the muddy waters, walk on te bridge and finally arrive to the other side of the bank.
I will never leave another chance for anyone to humour me. I've had enough! If being nice to anyone makes them give a bag full of shit, let me throw it right on their face till they purge on it.
Yesterday, I lost two of my loved ones. Together, in a few hours time. It devasted me, destroyed me to a little extent again. But I was back on my feet again, pretending to be happy and jumpy with all the fake smiles and laughs. Did I leave even a single person to ask me if everything is okay, with that oscar performance of mine? Nope.
On the other hand, I heard four jokes. The same joke.
" So your bunnies are dead! Bring them over, we'll barbeque and feast on them! Rabbit meat is tasty!" I smiled at first. The second time. The third time I walked away with tears welled up in my eyes. The fourth time.. I grew angry and disgusted, which didn't have any outlet until now.
Tomorrow you'll see me smile. The day after. Everyday, almost. But you'll never know how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, and if those smiles are real or fake.
And no, I'm not a pessimist. I'm not in depression, at least not a long-term one that I've been in through the past years. Law of Attraction, Wicca, God,Meditation, friends and my bunnies helped me revolve and transform into a vessel filled with motivation, optimism and radiant energy. There have been many to tell me, "You make me smile", "When I hug you, I feel so happy." I've healed many, sought for healings from my gifted Wiccan friends. I believe that all the positivity, good grades, friends and all that I've accomplished in the past few months has been though the Law. And believe me, I was extremely happy! I was on top of the world, genuinely meaning when I said that my life was going awesome! Everything, every single thing was perfect in my life. Still is. I'm better off than millions of people in this world, I know.
I'm grateful to God for everything I have.
But what if I'm a little too hurt right now to reflect on that? I've sent positive energy, received the same with love. This last paragraph is my way of justifying myself of not being a whiner. After all, it's the fear of being called so that makes me put on a sheild and a different attire and personality at times.
But what happens when there is a final breakdown? What happens when you can't force the smiles anymore? When you can't concentrate only on the positive and the amazing things you have in life? I'd hear my Gospel songs, and thank the Lord for giving me another chance to live my life. Afterall, September 2009 was the last I thought I'd see the sun shine! I'd be with my friends, the few God-sent angels and miracles in my life, who love me for what I am, genuinely and uncoditionally! And I'd smile and laugh with them in a few minutes, without even trying to. Thank you Shikha, Kavi, Anju I and II, Ananya, Debi, Rahul, Sumit, Numra :) You guys mean the world to me :)
If that doesn't work..
I'd cry, my way. The soft silent way where my tears roll down silently, not disturbing the person sitting centimeters away from me.
And if that doesn't work, which pretty much means I have already flooded my neighbourhood, I would not do what I used to do. I would not resort to the old means again, and I would smile.
There's still hope.
Tomorrow is a different day.